The TRUTH...according to Jen.

The last six months or so has been a trying time for me, centered around my own regulation of thoughts and focused attempt to understand my past struggles, as to NOT repeat them.  And as you likely imagine, it all relates to drinking in some way. 

Let me begin by acknowledging that…this is a terribly difficult time for many of us.  And while we struggle in different ways, we also connect to the turmoil that surrounds us all…apparent in pounds we have gained, hours in bed, apathy behind masks, crowds in the streets.  Great effort is made by each and every one of us, to get out of mind.  To get out of self.  To keep moving forward, remain positive, and above all…deal with whatever our other personal struggles may be.

We all have them.  We must deal with them to the best of our ability, but the responsibility lies on each and every individual, to identify what they ARE and actively seek to understand.

I’ve acknowledged this general societal angst in a few essays.  It did feel productive, but to be honest…my personal struggles have been my focus. That’s the main reason why I haven’t written as often.  I mean, I’ve started this essay, no less than 20 times in the last few months.  And once, I even posted an essay written under a pseudonym, but then deleted it out of fear.  Perhaps you caught that. 

Therefore, I write this and even POST this after great effort, thought and consideration. 

In some remarkable ways, watching and absorbing current events, has seemed to coincide with my own exploration and education…from a recovery standpoint.  And this new learning, directly affects how I view current events.

How could it not?  We all experience the world, coming from distinctive points of view, shaped by experience, knowledge and understanding.  Therefore, it is through this lens, that I view ALL that is happening culturally and socially.  Politics.  Leaders in power.  Cops.  Racial injustice.  All of it. 

When I speak of “recovery”, it’s about much MORE than mere abstinence from alcohol.  And while prolonged sobriety has led to ultimate acceptance of my alcohol use disorder, it’s also led to acceptance of another unhealthy aspect of my history:

Defining the trauma of the past and acknowledgement of psychological abuse.

Drinking used to be my escape.  My release.  It’s terribly overused to say that I used it to self-medicate, but that’s also the most appropriate way to describe it.  There were periods when my alcohol abuse worsened, and times when it seemed to relent…periods of sobriety, maybe 3 or six months, and harder times, like a final decent…feeling and looking like a mental breakdown.

And I wondered all the while, if “something else” was also at play. 

When I went to my first rehab several years ago, it was by choice and instigated by no one, other than myself.  I actually drove myself there, after a week when I didn’t even seem to struggle daily.  Strange, huh?  And I can distinctly recall telling my roommates that I was happy to be there, because I knew that a specific individual wouldn’t be able to reach me for those 30 days.  I said it in jest, but years later…I realize just how revealing this statement was.  I now see just how fearful I had become, how programmed my behaviors were, and how my entire sense of self had been defined for me.  Not in a good way.  

At that time, I never spoke of this to my counselor.  Up until then, I had heard that I was “crazy…selfish and ungrateful…disrespectful and unaccountable”.  Therefore, it’s likely that specific idea didn’t seem worthy to mention.  If you’ve often heard that everything out of your mouth is a “victim statement”, you begin to question your instincts in a terribly damaging way and keep your mouth shut, in order to preserve what little self-esteem hopefully remains.  Years later, that “victim statement” would be a distinctive turning point in my own recovery.

Let me say that…I’m not a stupid individual.  If you’ve ever known me personally at all, I hope you would confirm that.  But strangely enough, I AM a very open and trusting one…prone to think positively and self-reflectively.  Those attributes are precisely why I’m able to write a decent blog.  But those very facets of my personality have gotten me into real trouble in the past.  A little ironic, for sure.  In this way, my NATURE was in cahoots with my disorders during that time, for these can be both positive and negative traits, depending on how they are used…and by whom.

I consistently tried to understand my destructive behavior…but always with those traits at the forefront.  Therefore, I accepted what trusted individuals said about my alcohol use…and also what they said about ME.  I mean, why would “they” say or do something, if not to HELP me?  They love me, right?  In this way, obviously, I absorbed treatment and words from all people within my intimate support system. 

Yeah, well…THAT was a mistake.  What I’ve learned since, is that being open and self-reflective, can be positive attributes…but I must be cautious of that nature.  Make sense?  I must accept the responsibility to contribute to my own desired outcomes.  Only then, am I able to take responsibility in changing my present circumstances.  I can’t do a damn thing about the past, except for taking the time to understand and APPLY the knowledge gained in its inspection.  But I have absolute control in contributing to my present and determining my future. 

Understanding leads to.  Acceptance, which leads to.  Action. 

While depression must have been a culprit during my time in London, it didn’t seem to be a pervasive or consistent issue throughout my lifetime.  I’ve never been on any consistent medication for depression or anxiety, but there have definitively been periods when I was crippled by both.  And honestly, for the majority of the drinking years, I openly denied that there could be “anything else”.  I spent years hearing rhetorical information about addiction, where some of it seemed to fit…but other important aspects seemed incongruous, at best.  I can’t say that I was as knowledgeable as I am NOW, but I can still say that the overall misconceptions and assumptions surrounding addiction, also encouraged my denial.  But more importantly, the TREATMENT that I endured by intimate members of my “support system”, was not only unhelpful…but also seemed to fuel the disorder itself.  At least in part.  While I questioned if I had a disorder, any efforts to take control of my life, seemed unsupported and even openly threatened. And similarly, periods of sobriety would bring intense anxiety, so it often didn’t last all too long. 

But to understand just WHY that was…would take years.

My second time around, meaning…my second time in rehab, I was presented with the following:  the concept of co-occurring conditions or co-existing illnesses.  This means that addicts often have other issues such as disorders developed after trauma and sometimes, other untreated mental and emotional illnesses.  The addict’s behaviors are unhealthy and destructive, but in almost every case I know…there is also a co-existing condition or co-occurring disorder. This can range from depression to bi-polar disorder, encouraged by various genetic and environmental factors…which leaves a vast range of conditions that must be explored, in order to both identify the root causes for addiction or to change the behaviors related to it.  

Furthermore, when addiction coincides with another condition, both disorders tend to exacerbate one another, making it impossible to extricate the symptoms caused by one disorder from the other.  And it is often confusing to understand which condition predates the other.  For myself, I’ve had to “let that go”- the understanding of which came first.  It’s unlikely that I will ever have a clear answer, and it just can’t matter.  What’s important is the mere acknowledgement that they both existed: alcohol use disorder and intense anxiety, due to psychological abuse and trauma. 

Hearing about this subject matter was a pivotal moment for me, personally.  Rather than continuing to blame myself for anything and everything in my history, I began to see things clearly.  And, this consideration prompted me to speak freely and finally open up to a professional about past trauma.  It was the first time I even trusted myself enough to admit that ANY of it could have been traumatic in any way, for the majority of it had been explained away, or discounted because I drank some nights.  Make sense?  I didn’t call it by that name, but after speaking about it and crying quite a bit, she scheduled me for the Trauma Group and gave me a book to read.  And in that group, I explored the trauma and listened to others speak of their experiences.  

And most importantly, it would be a dramatic shift in my own acceptance of alcohol use disorder, for it allowed me to TURN the TABLES on a perpetrator, refuse the words and treatment, and take control of my life.  In doing so, I would LAY some of the burden of the past…elsewhere.  Appropriately so.  Isolate my own destructive behaviors.  Accept and understand them and design a plan to change them altogether.  Because up until then, I had NO idea what I was actually “medicating” by drinking.  That’s a little strange and embarrassing to say, but that’s the truth.

When I came home, I continued my own education about addiction and recovery.  I tried to make that the focus, along with a more distinctive attempt to promote personal empowerment.  It was revealing to find many aspects of my personality which had been clouded by drinking and anxiety…and the longer that I abstained, the clearer the messages came.  And similarly, the more I APPRECIATED the clarity and empowerment that came with sobriety, education, courage and TIME. 

I read.  I listened. I began to write.  I paid attention to my relationships with supportive people in my life.  I focused on my interactions with them and also, carefully distanced myself from toxic people.   Some of them prompted trauma responses, but I actively sought to regulate my old thought patterns and change my reactions.  And more specifically, I began to study and participate in cognitive behavioral therapy.  It helped me to see that I had the power to change and also the power to deny unhealthy input.

I’ll be honest.  I didn’t really delve into the trauma anymore, but rather, tried to focus on my ability to shield myself from experiencing any more of it.  I suppose that IDEA, in and of itself, should have been “telling”, yet again.  Why would I consciously think that I must protect myself from something or someone?  Because in truth, the relationship that carried the trauma was over, for the most part.  I had already distanced myself and any interaction that needed to take place, was entered quite consciously…with less emotion, less fear…utilizing rational and succinct communication.  And truthfully, a lot of the crueler treatment in the past, at least that I easily IDENTIFIED, seemed focused on my drinking, so perhaps there wouldn’t BE any more ugliness, right?  I was sober and even chose to physically PROVE that up to my two-year sobriety date.   Therefore, I believed it safe to just move forward, man.  Leave the drama behind and just focus on the future.

But as I read, studied and even WROTE, I kept being led to another, more alarming realization.  I found myself being diverted to articles and books about psychological abuse.   Again, I read.  I listened.  I began to uncover truths about my past that had always puzzled me.  And while I never thought it possible to say or believe something so seemingly…theatrical, I found that I could finish just about every sentence…before I read what the author wrote.  The findings were a revelation.   

Here’s some of what I read, in academic terms:

“Psychological abuse, often called emotional abuse, is a form of abuse, characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another person to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder. It is often associated with situations of power imbalance in abusive relationships, and may include bullying, gaslighting, and abuse in the workplace.” 

“Psychological trauma is damage to the mind that occurs as a result of a distressing event. Trauma is often the result of an overwhelming amount of stress that exceeds one's ability to cope, or integrate the emotions involved with that experience. Trauma may result from a single distressing experience or recurring events of being overwhelmed that can be precipitated in weeks, years, or even decades as the person struggles to cope with the immediate circumstances, eventually leading to serious, long-term negative consequences.” 

And a less formal thought:  The true goal of most abusers is to make you feel so weak, so inferior, and so damaged that you stop questioning them and defer all of your thinking and decision making to them.  This can take many forms, including coercion, humiliation, threats, insults, gaslighting, guilting, rage, and shaming. It can show up in various ways, but it's meant to silence, belittle, and intimidate.

And ALL of the above was just a starting point, really.  I’m still learning about the abuse, and I’m still learning about myself.

It was a scary process in the beginning…but one where I found myself finally able to trust myself and my own perceptions.  I choose how I define the past.  Frankly, it’s the way I always felt in my SOUL…was the truth.  I had been drinking out of pain and confusion and now understand just WHY in drinking…I always felt like I was “fighting” something.  Well, fuck.  I WAS.  Just not so productively.  I simply hadn’t known WHY I felt the way I did or WHY I engaged in destructive coping behaviors…losing more and more of myself.

I was NOT crazy, and the more I read?  The more empowered I became. 

It was also a little embarrassing and humbling, to realize that I had been a victim of such malice.  I never thought it possible, and I most certainly, never wanted to accept that it was intentional.  That has probably been the most difficult realization out of all of this.  It’s left me with a more realistic acceptance of the uglier parts of human nature.  But in that knowledge, I suppose I’m also grateful that I am no longer naïve.

I was rather surprised by the fact that I had been so easily controlled, in a sense.  The abuse was incremental, so filled with subtlety over an extended period of time, that it went undetected.  But in NO way was it NOT felt.  Often, there were periods of peace, where I had been lulled into trust, only to be followed by stunning behavior, where words and threats were meant to demean and discredit me altogether.  Hmmm…but I also drank during some of those times, and especially before crueler treatment.  So, I assume that you can see why there was such denial on my part. Perhaps I deserved the treatment.  Perhaps I even welcomed it.  That’s what I thought.

But what’s important to realize is that there are certain hallmarks of this kind of abuse, and when I literally read my story in the words of authors or absorbed explanations of my own responsive behavior from my counselor, my theories were confounded. Techniques, such as withholding, intimidation, gaslighting, triangulation and especially, projection were used.  I even experienced a prolonged cycle of abuse, which ended in something known as the “Discard” phase.  This was when I was sent reeling from such intense abuse, that I don’t exactly know how I endured it.

It’s all terribly regretful…all the time and energy that I spent just trying not to self-destruct entirely, but you know?  When you know better, you do better, so it has been enough for me to know that my efforts NOW, will be rewarded.  They will empower both myself, and anyone that I share my story with.  

Unfortunately…I still beat up myself every now and then…about how stupid and naive I have been, and how oblivious I was to the techniques used.  But I have faith that…that, too will lessen.  My progress thus far, only motivates me to learn more, be courageous, and move forward positively.

It has taken a lot of distance and education to notice the subtleties.  They still occur, but they are easier to identify, especially now that drinking isn’t confusing matters or confusing my BRAIN.  And the perpetrator’s attempts are almost predictable now.  Still annoying and sometimes mildly traumatizing…but predictable.  In this way, I suppose I “hope for the best”, but “prepare for the worst”.  That may get better as well.  I don’t really know.  I’ll let you know if it does.

The strange thing is that after such intense learning, my main goal isn’t to get revenge.  Let me say this:  A survivor ONLY wants the abuse to stop.  We don’t need payback.  We don’t need to be recognized as a Survivor or receive kudos for what we’ve endured.  Man, we just want it to relent, so that we can move on.  That’s really enough.  I promise.  And if the story would have ended there, I doubt that I would be writing this now.  My research was fueled ONLY by my own desire to understand MYSELF better, so there was no internal drive to do anything other than…just move forward.

Here’s what sucks.  Psychological abusers, namely; covert Narcissists who may have pathological tendencies, will not allow you to do just that.  It’s just not enough for them, for in most cases, the perpetrator has been “fed” by the intimidation and supposed superiority. They do not want to lose hold of the victim.  Hard to accept, and even more difficult to deal with, I’ve come to the realization that NO amount of silence or passivity will ever make it stop.  Knowing that truth propels me to write in this way, because if my story informs one single reader to educate themselves, then I’ve done some good, frankly. 

Because about three months ago, there was another…more obvious attempt.  It was, again…stunning and cruel, meant to undermine my newfound confidence, and even possibly intended to destabilize my sobriety.  It came as a direct threat, and unfortunately, I had to have the emotional fortitude to resist the intimidation and to fight back.  And let me clarify…when I say “fight back”, I merely mean NOT allowing the person’s attempt to ACHIEVE what they wanted.  That’s it!  I have NEVER been on the offense, but rather, have been forced into a position where I must constantly be aware of control, covert manipulation and even bold threats.  In this way, I am not an instigator but am painfully aware that I must be cautious at every turn. 

It’s fucking exhausting.  And yes, I understand more and more, why I turned to alcohol in the first place.  BUT it in NO way, substantiates my unhealthy actions when I did so.  It was ill-conceived to EVER think that alcohol did anything other than fuel the perpetrator’s actions.  When I drank, I handed them the “superiority” that they desired.  I showed who I was…which at times, was a weakened and fearful being, regardless of WHOSE actions got me there.

Here’s what I had to understand and accept.  For better or for worse, this is what I’ve got at this point.  I allowed an Abuser into my life, and I fucked up often by drinking.  I certainly hope they aren’t here forever, but I must have some involvement with them for the next few years.  I will always need to be cautious, for manipulation and control may occur at any time.  It’s even possible that there are periods of peace, used strategically to get what they want.  Lord.  I don’t know.  It takes too much brain power to crawl inside their head, and it’s not a healthy place for me to visit anyway, so my thoughts and feelings need to stay close to home.

The easier days are growing, but there are still some days that are hell.  Some days carry new realizations, while others leave me feeling just as numb and defeated as in years past.  I still deal with anxiety, but actively participate in my own healing.  But every day that I don’t lose my shit and decide to down a glass of Chardonnay, is proof that sobriety is working for me.  There has never been a moment of questioning whether or not I should escape the pain, because rationally, I know that drinking clouds my judgement and masks reality. 

No, the perpetrator will never admit abuse, but that’s okay…this is MY blog.  I can define things as I see them.  I spent countless years allowing them to define, gaslight and triangulate their way into shaping my perceptions.  And yet, after a lot of work and even MORE support, I now have the ability to stand alone in my viewpoint and to verbalize my own thoughts and ideas about my experiences.  And yes.  I’m finally writing about it.

Will these words provoke further abuse?  Well, I certainly hope not.  If I look at the history, my efforts to stand up for myself were usually followed by intense efforts to control, but in a very informed way…I simply cannot stay silent merely out of fear.  Self-preservation was always prioritized in the past, but to assume that the abuse will stop, JUST because I’m docile and seemingly compliant, would be choosing to be naïve yet again.  That’s just silly, folks.  If anyone thinks that I’m “asking for it” after writing in this way, then you are sympathizing with my Abuser.  If that’s the case, I accept that as well.  I may see you at the grocery store, but please don’t join me at my dinner table.

Let me close by saying that…if you think you have experienced psychological abuse or if you think you know of someone engaged in it, please reach out for help.  There is so much knowledge and understanding available to YOU or someone you know.  It is likely the victim engages in self-destructive behavior that is puzzling, but they will never be able to make changes in that behavior, unless they are armed with knowledge and understanding.

Read.  Listen…to your gut and ALSO to trusted individuals.  It is likely that your help must come from people unrelated to your Abuser. 

Psychological abusers come in different forms.  They can be a parent, pastor, intimate partner, boss or any authoritative figure in your life. Whether covert or overt, the abuse can go undetected for years, even decades. But the effects can be devastating.

You are not crazy, but it’s possible that you are uninformed…allowing the abuse to continue or worsen.  Reach out for help.  Seek to find answers.  Ask uncomfortable questions. Personal empowerment is key, and personal responsibility for your OWN behavior is paramount.

Today, I write this…in the hopes that it will be an integral part of my own personal healing.  I deserve THAT.  The many people who love and support me, deserve THAT.  They should never have to pay the price for the abuse, and therefore, by taking control of my own life…I have chosen personal responsibility in my own behaviors.

I have actively chosen to NOT pass on that pain.  I have the ability to CHOOSE that.

And so do you.