The State of Our Union

I’ve been preparing you for this.  For quite some time.  Me saying that I’m quitting this all or at least taking a significant break.  Let’s just call it a “Healthy Hiatus.”  Shall we?  I haven’t made a firm decision, but I thought at least I’d get some of it this out of my system.  Maybe it will cleanse these thoughts and make way for something new.  That’s possible. 

At the very least, I’m releasing the expectation that I’ve put upon myself to contribute in this way on a regular basis.  If I don’t post for at least several weeks at this point, please don’t worry.  I’m just accepting where I am and asking that you do the same.  It doesn’t mean that I’m in a dark place or that I’m triggered to drink.  It doesn’t even mean that I don’t feel like writing.  I may, very well be writing.  Truth be told, I feel like writing just about every morning.  THIS girl has a lot to say.  But there’s an important distinction between writing…and posting.

When I started blogging, I checked out a few other recovery blogs, and I found that most started anonymously.  Well, shit.  Too late for that one.  And I’ve accepted that it really isn’t going to grow in the way that I naively hoped for in the beginning. 

And do I regret “coming out”?  Well, yeah.  Sometimes. 

Sometimes I wish I could just go back to being oblivious.  To NOT caring about or paying attention to people’s approval in any way. 

Let me be clear.  The rewards of RECOVERY are not questioned in my mind whatsoever, but the rewards of writing in this way on a weekly basis…WELL…

I must decide what is increasingly healthy for me and what adds positivity to my life and the lives of those around me.  And I’ve taken a little time away recently…from this, and also from actively participating on Facebook, to see if the emotions surrounding both would settle.  Would become a little less “charged,” so that logic will preside as the main decision-maker.

I tend to think in metaphors, but this may be the time for simple language.  Simple truth.

Recently, I spent several days setting up this new blog site, almost as a way to force myself into a commitment to it.  To make myself accountable to some kind of decision.  It was both engaging and personally rewarding to spend creative time in this way, and it was good to have to reread each writing in order to add it to the new site.  I was left with a feeling of accomplishment, but also with questions of why and how to continue. 

I was also forcing myself into continuing to be bold, even though this kind of writing is also painful.

I find this to be such a strange medium, really.  At first, it just felt like I had so much to say and couldn’t stifle this voice that wanted to speak.  That rose up from somewhere inside of me each morning, but was easily confused by the day, if I wasn’t conscious of making it voiced and heard early in the morning hours.  It was and always will be important for me to do this for myself.  But I’m just not so sure that I need to do it for you.  Does that make sense? 

I don’t ever want to lose that voice, that willingness to say the uncomfortable things.  To ask the uncomfortable questions.  To be vocal, instead of passive and silent.  That’s not my intention.  I just don’t know that THIS is all worth it.  Because I don’t think people realize what all comes with writing like this.  For me personally.

Once you’ve been to rehab, you really become quite humbled.  That can be a good thing and also a bad thing, really.  On the one hand, it’s liberating to not only recognize that you aren’t perfect, but also to know that everyone around you knows this as well.  Ha!  Oh shit!  The cat’s out of the bag, right?  So, I find that I don’t waste as much time on attempting to look, sound, or act perfect. Because what’s the fucking point NOW? 

I would guess that some people consider the fact that I went to rehab a year ago, more of a failure than even I did…in the beginning.  Don’t worry.  I had ALL of the same feelings growing up, about someone who had to go away to a therapeutic summer camp. 

Really?  They just couldn’t “handle” life?  Their life was SO difficult that they just needed to “get away?”  That person must be weak or damaged in some way.

I’ll let you sit with that one, just a little while longer. 

Weak.  Damaged.

But here’s a fact.  I would venture to guess that most people who publicly and even privately knew me over the last 10 years would neither describe me as seeming weak.  Or damaged. 

Yes, personally I was called those things by one source…but looking back…I will not say that I was either.  I will not vilify my past.  I just subscribe to the Angelou-ism, “When you know better, you do better.”  If you knew of all of the things that happened, in their “fullness,” it’s likely that you would have wanted to drink as well.  You just may have been able to stop before I did.  Yes?

So NO, I wasn’t weak or damaged.  But during this time, I was indeed making incremental steps towards addiction.  Maybe prompted by surrounding circumstances, but still unconsciously, and sometimes even consciously, making choices that kept me on that path.

Now…my actions at the very end, during the breakdown that lasted a couple of weeks, certainly looked like a weak and damaged individual.  My brain was on a personal trip down a gravel road that was taking me further away from my core self, and away from others that I love.  Again, I believe that everything that I hadn’t dealt with properly just bubbled up to the surface during this “breakdown,” and spewed out around me…but my actions to drink heavily over it, were still my own.  I don’t think I needed 30 days away to rid myself of the physical need for alcohol.  I needed 30 days away to understand that drinking was damaging my brain, and that I would never stand up for myself in that state. 

Therefore, admitting that I needed serious help for it all and starting out humbled, meant that I didn’t waste as much time on being perfectly presentable anymore.   

But my need to be LOVEABLE went into overdrive a bit.  Hmmm…maybe not the desire to ACT loveable, but the NEED TO CONFIRM THAT I AM STILL LOVED.  

Is that a little more clear?

There’s also a rather distinct correlation between addiction and isolation.  When an individual begins to descend into addiction, isolation usually precludes it, or worsens in the midst of it.  This was most definitely true for me.  Drinking at night was a solitary activity for a few crucial years until I reunited with Mike.  The reasons were two-fold.  The divorce made me question many relationships, and also unfortunately, caused me to feel ill-equipped for certain social situations, especially if I couldn’t drink while in them.  I distanced myself from many relationships that had been family oriented, and even decided to release people associated with my ex.  These decisions weren’t always conscious, but that’s what happened.  I didn’t really want to be surrounded by people that didn’t know the half of what actually occurred during the end of that union, so I really felt like I was being a good person by staying away, by NOT talking about it.  Maybe that was the right thing to do, but I also didn’t allow others in. 

You see, shame is really an unwelcomed partner in both addiction and recovery.  It’s where I distinctly can apply the well-known phrase, “Fake it until you make it.”  I have tried to appear free of shame both publicly and privately WELL before it has been true for me personally.  I can confidently put a sign on my front door NOW that reads, “This is a shame-free environment.”   And Mike never shamed me, even when I was drinking badly. But I forced the issue a bit in my public life when I started writing like this.  That was not my intention, but that was the result.  And therefore, I also forced that question onto others in some way.  And I wasn’t prepared for their answers. 

“Should Jennifer be ashamed?”  Their answers come in silence. 

And unfortunately, I’ve been trying to do two major things at once:  banishing shame and coming out of isolation.  I must walk into social situations, unaware of knowing if people have read my blogs, have any idea of my past or if I’m just another suburban mom in their presence. 

It would be very truthful to say that VERY few people in my life were negatively affected by my drinking, relatively speaking.  Of the hundreds and hundreds of people that I have had personal relationships with throughout my 46 years, very few have ever experienced ANY negative ramifications or even KNEW that I ever drank badly.  So, it’s very strange to either receive support, or especially, to feel shunned by people that haven’t even been affected by it.  For the most part, they may only know about it all now, because I write about it.  Mike’s parents didn’t even know that I had a drinking problem until several years into our relationship, when I shared a conversation with them six weeks before going to rehab.  They were open and supportive then, and they are the same now.

I reserve the right to decide if it is worth it to continue.  And I reserve the right to decide what is best for me.  That’s changes, right?  It’s terribly difficult to know “what is best.”  That can change due to present circumstances, who we listen to, even how much sleep we get the night before.

Because I put my first writing on Facebook, this blog is linked to that media.  In years past, I never actively participated in Facebook for several personal reasons, and I now find myself emotionally linked to its algorithms and affirmations.  Oh….and that’s not good.  That is not what is “best for me.”  I was not cognizant of this relationship in the beginning, but the results and their effect on me have proven to be more hurtful that I would like to admit.

And IF I “believe in this writing.”  IF I “believe in making a difference” by being truthful and vocal in this way, then that means actively trying to build the readership.  And Facebook, Instagram, and other social media forces are how to do that.  But I just don’t know if I am willing.  I don’t think I have the emotional stamina for that.  It must be okay for me to say that.

I have been caught up in EXACTLY why I didn’t participate in those forums from the beginning.  I have used it to affirm more than just cute pictures of my children.  I have used it to CONFIRM if my writing is good.  If I’m still LOVED after my admission.  If this writing MISSION is supported.  And it’s impossible for me NOT to take it personally…both the support and more often than not…the lack thereof.

And ALL of those things affect how I feel about myself.  Period.

Sometimes I’m pretty good at viewing things rationally and unemotionally.  But there are also plenty of times, when I am NOT good at accepting the passivity and silence of others.  And that’s not only selfish, but just plain ole WRONG of me to have that expectation.  It is wrong to expect anything other than what comes naturally for people who know me.  Or have ever known me.

It would be wonderful if I subscribed to Mike’s idea and never looked at Facebook.  Just share the blog and leave it at that.  I have that ability.  I can write, share it to Facebook from the blog site, and never even open the Facebook page…but I have another admission to make.  I may have a little issue around self-control.  Ha!  Yeah, when a person really wants four glasses of wine, as opposed to one, there may be an inherent self-control deficit.  So, I’m not going to lie to you and say that I am able to do this, because I know that I am not.  If that makes me lesser of a person…Oh well, ya’ll!  YOU write about an alcoholic past and recovery, about personal pain and growth, ON A REGULAR BASIS, and see if you don’t look for confirmation.  For affirmation. 

And I have NEVER wanted to be a person who does that.  Who puts their personal business out there, LOOKING for responses.  INVITATIONS into reactions from others.  Not on that forum!  But that’s who I have become.  And I’m not proud of that.

I suppose it has just shown me that I’m human.  It’s been another humbling experience in this year of recovery, that shows me that I am NOT better than others.  I still have personal limitations and expectations that rule my actions.  Let me be more specific about that.  Expectations can sometimes rule my EMOTIONS.  And my EMOTIONS can rule my ACTIONS.

So, the decision may be to separate this blog from Facebook.  NOT share each new post in that arena…which will inevitably hinder new readership.  Because readership has turned into several hundred with each new post.  Again, it would be great if I viewed this positively.  But instead, I wonder why SO many people read, but never say a word to me.  I wonder if the writing wasn’t very good, if they think it strange, or if they judge me personally.  One might think that KNOWING that many people read this would be enough.  But, no.  That is not sufficient.  I just internalize why they would never want to be known as readers.  Why they don’t want me or others to know that they read my words.

So, I have ONE simple request to make of readers. 

If you ever feel so inclined to respond in any way, PLEASE do so HERE.  In this space.  Or to me personally.  Because I truly don’t want Facebook to be anything other than a method of outreach.  Outreach to read about honesty and vulnerability.  This.  Is our space.

If writing feedback or ever letting it known that you read these words is ever something you want to do, I welcome that.  And I promise, I don’t have any idea of who you are, if you don’t.

Truth-telling:  It takes MUCH more positive reinforcement, to balance out the negative.  And silence is negative for me.  When I spoke openly with my former students the other day, it felt good.  But IF I had experienced even ONE judgmental look from a parent or another adult or even one of my students, it would have absolutely crushed me.  That’s where I am.  

I do not want to make up stories of why certain people do not publicly support the writing, or even me as an individual, but that’s what I do.  Old friends, new friends, professional colleagues, people associated with my former marriage, even family.  I am striving to be better at that.  But it is a process. 

I have taken people’s silence…as judgement and shaming and ALL of the things that I’ve been working hard to overcome, since coming out of the closet in this way.  Ha!  I even think that I wanted to show my children that absolute shame-ridding IS possible.  But this hope may have taken it just a little too far.  That has absolutely happened in this household, but that may be an unrealistic hope for society as a whole.

This is not a plea for reactions on Facebook.  That would actually annoy me at this point.  I just need to be honest with anyone reading this.  I have found myself needing time to heal after each new post, before I have the gumption and passion for posting again.  And I’m not sure I need that ENTIRE process in my life.  Why would I do that to myself?

THAT is real.  THAT is human.  That is me telling you the truth and being personal.

In order to continue, I must completely disassociate this writing from feeling shunned, in order to continue.  Because it’s very easy to write in the dark of the morning, feel affirmed by solitude, and write freely.  The problem is the aftermath of the sharing.  I started out posting every day.  Lord, that was just too much.  Then, I moved to about twice a week, and lastly, about once a week.  Honestly, I could have easily written MUCH more often, but each time that I share, I open myself up to the pain that I know will come.  So, I wasn’t controlling the writing, I was controlling the disappointment and hurt. 

The writing certainly has been worth the DISCOVERY.  I discovered a completely untapped talent.  Yes, I will be bold and say “talent.” If I quit writing in this way, I can honestly say that engaging this new ability and passion has been invigorating at this point in my life.  And similarly, to leave blogging, in no way means that I leave service to others.  But I’m pretty sure I can find ways to help others that don’t leave me feeling like shit sometimes. 

And I’ve incorporated this bolder voice into my everyday living.  Into my everyday self.  This voice who tells the truth.  Who will say ALL of the things that may or may not be acceptable to ALL.  Who openly admits to failure of some kind.  The antithesis of the people pleaser.  Because that voice is not a separate entity.  It’s just me. 

If I was a celebrity who wrote all of what I said, there would undoubtedly be a massive following.  There would be an outpouring of support and love, articles written, talk show visits.  But I am no celebrity.  I am no comic genius or gifted musician who has a sordid addiction story, followed by redemption.  Who has risen from the ashes to reclaim their life, share their talents, and move forward publicly. 

Nah, I am just a person like you.  Who has succeeded at plenty in my life…and also failed at plenty.  I’ve just decided to be open about a subject which usually carries immense shame.  I am still supremely proud of what I’ve done so far.  I don’t need to change the world, but I certainly made my point to anyone who has read my words.  Silence is what allows addiction to flourish.

So, I’m taking a break for an unknown amount of time.  And if I don’t write again in this way, please do not worry.  I’m really out my funk from awhile back.  And, nothing so far has ever made me want to drink.  I don’t feel emotional as I write this at the moment, and taking some time away has been helpful, for sure.  Sometimes we need a little distance, so that emotions settle into an appropriate level and decision making can feel more centered.

Silence was and always will be something that I need to question.  Sometimes, it even becomes more than passive.  It becomes immoral.

I’m taking some time to leave this public display of thoughts, because my private relationships are far more important.  And that includes my relationship with myself.  With these inner thoughts. 

I will be singing my message each and every day.  My song is strong.  And good.  And important. 

Just like yours.

I don’t imply the sanctity of the sender or question my message.  I just question how to send it. 

And what feels healthy and best for me. Today.